I hope you’re doing well!
My father has had another woman for 15 years, who has 2 daughters from another marriage. It just so happened that I fell in love with one of them when I was fourteen.
In the beginning, she was very in love with me – even though I was married with someone else – but then she forgot about me. She got a boyfriend at the time, and still dates nowadays.
Now she’s 20 years old and I’m 31. We kiss whenever she doesn’t have a boyfriend, and sometimes when she does. I know she’s a bad person, who makes me humiliate myself for her. I’m not married anymore, and she’s still the woman of my life. I have done many wrong things because of her.
I wish we belonged to different families. That way, when the relationship ended, we wouldn’t have to keep seeing each other.
I get anguished – and suffer – due to the fact that I have to deal with her family on a daily basis. As I said, my father lives with her mother. That way I learn about everything she does, where she goes, or whom she’s with. The memories I have of us are what torments me the most – memories of our relationship in bed.
It’s been a week since I haven’t spoken to her because I decided to put an end to it. We were going out, and suddenly she didn’t want it anymore. She didn’t say so, but she kept postponing our dates. I couldn’t handle it anymore, so I wrote a long letter saying everything I wanted.
I am going through a horrible phase at the moment. I’ve been crying everyday, stuck in a deep depression. O one knows about us, and she’s never wanted to tell anyone about it.
Sorry about writing so much, but I’m in a pretty bad shape.
Thanks!
26/12/2002
Answer
Hi!
When a married man divorces in order to be with another woman, the children can fantasize (without realizing it) about the woman who took their father from their mother.
The fantasies usually regard that the woman might have something very special and wonderful, which the mother lacks. As much as the children might hate the father’s new wife, these fantasies occur.
Maybe that’s what happened in your case; you transferred – to the daughter of your mother-in-law – love feelings, as well as feelings of idealization, identifying yourself with your father. Maybe you tried looking for something in the daughter, which you imagined her mother to possess – that which had attracted your father.
In your fantasy, your mother lost her man to a much better woman... You separate – as did your father – and get stunned by this woman. You say she’s bad and humiliates you, but you feel that she’s powerful. Does it make sense? She’s bad because she set your home apart and humiliated your mother. (I’m speaking of the fantasy)
Nothing prevents you from not going to your father’s house, and staying away. Where are your mother and the rest of the family, which existed before your parents got divorced? Where are your friends? And your work environment? Aren’t you interested in the people who work there?
Well, with this passion there’s a motive for always wanting to be in your father’s house and control his relationship with the woman, and perhaps trying – without your knowledge – to solve the enigma that you’ve created for yourself, by strengthening the image of your father’s wife, and feeling mad at her at the same time.
You are not forced to anything since you’re already 31 years old, and is probably independent. This problem – which involves your father’s daughter-in-law – must have come a great distance, and I once again ask you: what are you waiting for in terms of seeking a psychoanalyst? Don’t wait for this to get worse. If it gets better, don’t fool yourself. The problem will remain in unconsciousness, like a volcano waiting for eruption. I’ll leave the rest for your psychoanalyst to say.
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