Dr, I’ve been married for four years and a half (after having dated for eight years). After being married for two years, our lives became a little slower, meaning we had little sex (once or twice per week), sometimes none).
My wife got pregnant, and after she found out about it, we didn’t have any more sex. I accepted it for the fact that she was pregnant, but after our daughter was born, we still didn’t have any sex. She says she has lost the want; she says she likes me, but doesn’t feel anything when I touch her. Because of it, we don’t have sex anymore. My daughter will be one year old in September. In other words we’ve been more or less 20 months without sex – almost two years.
I would like to know your opinion about it. I insist on it, tell her she’s pretty, that she’s hot, but nothing works. I’m thinking of asking for a divorce. I’m young; I’m 32 years old. I can’t go on much longer like this.
Can you help me? She always says she’s not in a mood, and that she’s tired; that she doesn’t feel anything when I touch her.
Can you tell me what to do? I await your anwer (anxiously).
Thanks!
26/12/2002
Answer
Hi!
I read the following on your profile: "prettiest fat man". Were you overweight when you got married? What do you think might have ended the attraction your wife felt for you?
Did you have any sexual experiences before marriage? How was it?
Sexual problems of couples are always the responsibility of both parties. There’s never only one guilty person. Something on you is implied in this difficulty you’re facing. Either you discover it alone, or you discover it with a therapist’s help.
If you’re thinking of getting a divorce, it would be necessary to know if you’ve spoken about the subject, and if both of you are interested in solving it. In many occasions, changing partners won’t do the trick, except temporarily. When the person doesn’t understand what went on in the first relationship, the same problem tends to reappear.
In many couples that get a divorce, there is a fantasy that the problem is actually in the other person, and that it will disappear if the partner is replaced by another. Things don’t work out like that: there’s an unconscious compulsion to the repetition of unresolved situations. In many occasions, the choice of the partner is compromised by the neurosis of one or both parties. Then the person says he/she can’t be happy in love.
There is much resistance against seeking professional help, due to not only the great prejudice in doing analysis or therapy, but also because of the incapacity of believing that the most valuable asset a human being has is his/her mind health (a person does not have to throw stones everywhere, rip money, or have hallucinations).
It’s enough for the person to fail in many aspects, such as love relationships (or relationships in general) – that’s a great disadvantage. It is one’s duty to know (or not) how to set a priority list to what’s more important: be happy or unhappy, ignoring motives of its unhappiness.
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