I would like to thank you for all the help that you’ve given us. I have already sent two questions, and it was really worth it!
I got rid of a relationship with a man who didn’t correspond to my expectations! It was rather simple, for I didn’t feel anything for him. But now my situation is a little more complicated because it involves the heart.
I’m in love with someone I consider to be an excellent person, who has moral and religious values. He is divorcing from his wife, and in the meantime we met and fell in love. It so happens that he had never cheated on his wife, and is very sad about her emotional state of mind. They’re undergoing partition and lawyer paperwork.
Amid all this confusion, he told me that the situation is still irregular, and that until everything is settled, he prefers to be distant because he doesn’t want to hurt either of the sides, nor turn our lives in a mess.
He claims he has fallen in love with me, but at the moment cannot give me the attention I deserve. What has really made me worried is the fact that he told me that he doesn’t have the right to ask me to wait for him, because I have my own life and he is in no conditions of demanding anything.
Anyway, is he really being sincere? Would a man in love set free the one he loves? Is this a way to break up with me without hurting me? I’m so confused!
I trust him, but when it involves the heart I can’t think logically.
Can you tell me what I should do and expect?
26/12/2002
Answer
Hi!
In your e-mail you say: "(...) He claims he has fallen in love with me, but at the moment cannot give me the attention I deserve. What has really made me worried is the fact that he told me that he doesn’t have the right to ask me to wait for him, because I have my own life and he is in no conditions of demanding anything. (...)"
A few days ago I received a letter that was very similar to yours. When answering, I warned about the risks involved in getting in relationships with recently divorced men.
But let’s go to the phrase above: assuming that he is telling the truth, you shouldn’t be surprised at his attitude. He tries to make you feel more comfortable in a civilized manner, for you own your life.
Respect for the other person’s decision is considered to be a proof of lack of love by the majority of people, as if loving meant assuming property, by establishing guidance and supervision over one’s behavior.
There is so little familiarity with the way of acting, in which the other person is considered in such way, that people interpret it as an act of rejection.
It would be hard for him not to be stressed and confused with the divorce: lawyers, partition, practical and emotional aspects implied. I don’t really know if he is prepared to have fallen in love, like you say.
Should you like him, accept what he says naturally, giving him reason and showing you understand, if you really do so. Once the storm is over, if mutual interest lasts, it will be the moment for both to reunite and see if you can be happy together.
If he is the man he is demonstrating to be, consider yourself happy to have found him. Nowadays it is rare to find people who can tune to what they’re going through, and maintain this equilibrium and delicacy.
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