Questions: I dated for 9 months and we went living together
Dr. Thais,
I’ve come here for your help regarding my relationship with my husband. I met him at site X and dated him for 9 months.
After that we went living together, and so we have for the last 14 months. But I’ve been an unhappy person in the last 8 months, I am very jealous because he corresponds with other women on the Internet.
I’ve even picked up a phone conversation of him with another woman. He says he does not want another woman for anything in the world, for he has already had the experience.
Help me, please. There are many fights here, and I’m falling in a depression. I want him to give me attention and care, and he doesn’t do so. I don’t know what to write anymore. There are so many things to be said.
All I know is that I like him, and I’m suffering very much. Help me doctor.
26/12/2002
Answer
Hi!
It’s probable that your companion is an unsatisfied man in many areas of life – not just in the love area. According to what you say, he believes or believed that it was possible to find someone who could put an end to his emptiness.
Generally when one expects from the other everything that is missing, and the expectation is of absolute completeness (total pacification of any anxiety), the relationship tends to be disappointing.
It is possible that both of you lived through good moments in these nine months, and believed that living together would be a step towards happiness. However, with acquaintanceship, the failures of both of you emerged, as well as each one’s necessities, in its intensity – the other can be had as insufficient. In fact, beyond great idealizations, reality is always felt like a success experience.
Everything indicates that he keeps on repeating previous habits, believing he has been mistaken about you, and that the woman he searches must exist.
You, on the other hand, reinforces his unsatisfaction with your jealousy, disappointed for not getting what you once hoped for: "(...) I want him to give me attention and care, and he doesn’t do so, (...)".
If, despite of this, you still like him, I suggest you change. The depression will only shorten this relationship. That’s why it’s necessary that you substitute it by love, demonstrations of love, giving him everything you wished he were giving you.
Forget about yourself at this moment, and attempt to conquer this man. If he’s addicted in virtual relationships, pay close attention if he reacts to changes of your behavior, and abandons searches of what you might be able to offer yourself. It seems like re-conquering to me, and it must count on the love you claim to feel for him.
If you reach the conclusion that he is sick, and that acquaintanceship with him is harming you very much, raise strength to put an end to it. Before you do so, give your best and do it optimistically.
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