I'm in a relationship with a wonderful person who I've found here, but now we're more intimate, and have mutual satisfaction problems.
I get completely satisfied, but my partner still has some kind of trauma from her ex-boyfriend, and doesn't get satisfied, even after a whole night of sex.
I've been trying to help her in all ways possible, but so far I've gotten no results. He has been accepting this situation, but I haven't.
I would like to ask for your advice on how we could mutually help each other in this matter.
10/12/2002
Answer
Hi,
I understand your worries - maybe you get the feeling that you're not good enough as a sexual partner. Let me reassure you: it might not be so. I don't know either of your backgrounds, or the background to your relationship.
We live in a society that is still repressive (even though it doesn't look like it is!) and there are some people that worry about having sex in the beginning of a relationship. This can prevent surrender and relaxation, which are necessary for sexual satisfaction to be reached.
Women are taught to listen to sermons that are much different from those that men listen to... Perhaps it is only a matter of time for her to feel safe, confident, and loved.
The first step is not to pressure. The so-called "performance anxiety" is a strong punch to the face, and it makes orgasm harder to be reached (for both men and women).
Imagine always being demanded: "So, did you come?". Under such pressure, many women fake it. You should appreciate her sincerity. After all, it is possible that she is getting satisfied from sex - believe it or not - even without the orgasm.
Sex can be pleasure and fun, just as long as there aren't pressures for the orgasm.
I don't know what you call "a whole night of sex". Maybe that's it. Women have different timing from men, and before penetrating, make sure she's very excited. If she's having a hard time reaching orgasm with penetration, maybe her clitoris is not stimulated enough. Generally, woman can reach orgasm more easily with oral sex or clitoral manipulation.
Another fantasy (very common in movies) is the synchronization of orgasms: in the majority of situations, one of the partners will come before the other.
The ideal is when women orgasm first, since men need more time to recover and try again.
My advice is: give it some time. Don't give up. Don't pressure. Be very caring. Be creative.
Value communication, sincerity, and Express.
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